Writing Block One:

 I'm down the Great Ocean Road at a place called Seacroft, an old monastery near a glorious beach near Apollo Bay. I come on these retreats twice a year - it was three times last year if you take into consideration I did the Gunnas International trip to Paris, which was extraordinary. 

Anyway, I'm fed, I've had a couple of necessary beers and now it's time to write. So, this is my writing blog for this evening. 

Who am I?

I am Panda. I have a real name, but I am Panda. It's a good name, but not the one on official documents. 

Things that I am:

• A writer
• An Adelaide Crows supporter
• A cat owner
• A thumbsucker (in private)
• A little lost-
• A FIFO worker
• Bilingual - well I'm working on this. 
• Never up to much good
• Left leaning
• Probably masking ADHD or some low-level autism
• An introvert - despite being sort of social
• An iPhone photographer
• Ambidextrous
• A free-range witch
• A Freemason
• Kind

Why am I here?

I am here at this writer's retreat to hang out with some like-minded people.  People who like to write. People who like ideas. People who get me.

What do I want to get out of this weekend? 

I want to find some joy again. I've not been feeling the joy of late, time to get that back. 

And lots of hugs. The people here give great hugs - and few people hug me in my day to day life - not counting the cat. 

What gets you writing?

Normally, the "mood" gets me writing. But I write every day - sometimes more than others. I want to be writing my stuff - and not the corporate drivel I write ad nauseum between 9-5.

What prevents you writing?

Lots of things. Time. Motivation. Procrastination. Doom scrolling. Odd jobs. Life. The feeling that I'm no good at this. Self-doubt. Self-loathing. The fear of failure. The fear of success. I've been missing doing work in my novel. 

How do I feel when I don't write?

Miserable

How do I feel when I do write?

Alive. Worthy. Connected. 

Ten things I'd like to say to people right now:

I'm going to put this from the perspective of the characters in my novel:

Arkie: To Michael - why did you never tell me what you felt about me?

Michael: To Arkie: How could you live a lie for so long? 

Bede: To Arkie: Why do you hate yourself so much? 

Arkie: To Bede: When are you going to get yourself some proper running gear? 

Michael: To Bede: How could you take her home for the night? She's mine. 

Arkie: To Tom: Why couldn't you love me?

Tom: To Arkie: Why couldn't you love me?

Caroline: To Michael: Why did you choose me over her? 

Michael: To his daughters: How could I be a better dad to you? I am trying. 

Arkie: To herself: Why have you put yourself in this situation. 

Nine things about myself: 

I'll do this about me.

1) I love the feel of exercising. Strangely, I love feeling strong and fit. It brings me joy. 

2) As a teenager I was very good at pool. I miss playing pool. 

3)  I prefer the company of animals to people most of the time. I love most animals. 

4) I think I'm British on the inside. Always have. It's like geographical displacement.

5) I am not an atheist. I don't do religion, but do believe, loosely, in God. Don't ask me what God is - but I like to think something is out there. 

6) I'm not sure I've ever truly been in love. 

7) I love my ankles and fingernails. They are shapely. 

8) When I win lotto I want a house with two big dogs and another cat, but I know Lucifer won't like it. 

9) I'm saving up to get assessed for ADHD. My doctor is on board. 

Eight ways to win my heart: 

1. Be kind to me
2. Feed me
3. Cuddle me
4. Lend me your dog so I can take them for a walk - or let's go for a walk with the dog. 
5. Let me lie on your sofa and watch telly with me
6. Be really intelligent
7. If you take me to bed, be generous
8. Buy me an ice cream

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. This project is bizarre (work thing)
2. I should make time to exercise more. 
3. I wish I was tidier
4. I love ironing. 
5. I hope nobody comes into my place, the kitchen is a mess.
6. Have I fed the cat yet?
7. When am I going to finish that novel?

Six things I wish I never had done:

1. Read the last two books of The Hunger Games - never getting that time back. 
2. Watched the movie Se7en. Had nightmares for a week. 
3. Oh, that Albanian. Another story for another time. Nothing bad. 
4. Talked to the charity muggers the other day. I am too polite. 
5. Discovered Hector's Deli around the corner from where I live. Look at the link - you will understand. 
6. Not taken couple of pieces of advice many years ago. Then again, I wasn't ready to hear it back then. 

Five people who mean a lot to me: 

In no apparent order:

1. Jonella
2. Blarney
3. Barney
4. Geetangeli
5. The Gunnas. 

Four turn offs: 

1. Men who wear clothes that should have been washed again after leaving them in the machine too long. 
2. Men who wear lip balm constantly
3. People who are rude to waiting staff
4. People who grab at you / tough without asking. 

Three Turn ons:

1. Fine mind and sense of humour
2. A hairy chest
3. Clean men who smell like apricots and sunshine.

Two words that describe your life right now:

• Busy
• Ambivalent

One thing that I wish people knew about me. 

I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.

Write for ten minutes about desire:

I'm an ex-Methodist. What would I know about desire? It's something that is often suppressed in people of my breeding stock. You're not supposed to want things. It's not good to want too much, or have too much, but it is good to have enough.

And now I am tired and I have to go off and lead a Midwinter/Full moon ritual, so I will ponder this a bit more. 

At least my blog is done for the night. 

Today's song: