"...you have treasures hidden within you - extraordinary treasures . And bringing those treasures to light takes work and faith and focus and courage and hours of devotion, and the clock is ticking, and the world is spinning, and we simply do not have time anymore to think so small."
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic
Sometimes it takes a few moments with a friend to make you realise that what is going on is not who you are, what you want or where you want to be.
Yesterday, an old colleague came to visit me at work. Cesar and I worked together a few years ago.
He's a divine man. When he's around I find myself sometimes talking like Margarita Pracatan.
He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. Inappropriate work touching? No. As he's of South American origin, this is more than acceptable. He's also married to an equally wonderful man, so there is nothing inappropriate here. He's Cesar. He's awesome.
Feeling his touch on my shoulders, I jumped up out of my chair and we hugged. Big hug, none of this air kissing, awkward hugging. A heartfelt hug, kiss on the cheek. In the office. Surrounded by workmates.
'Ce-sar!'
'Pan-dis!'
Audible giggling and small talk followed. Cesar makes me smile. And giggle. And he always makes me feel good.
And then it hit me.
I haven't laughed in the office for a very, very long time. Like well over six months. Not since the last job when my old work husband still worked there and I was tormented by the worst dad jokes ad infinitum.
I haven't laughed for six months - at work that is.
The last time I really felt like myself was on Catherine Deveny's writer's retreat down the Great Ocean Road. It was a transformational weekend - nurturing, mad, fun and creativity was promoted, encouraged and worshipped. As was laughter. And stepping out of your comfort zone. And nurturing along with being nurtured.
That was in June.
Yeah.
It's been a really tough year at work. Two difficult projects. Two work environments which have left me mentally and spiritually drained, even though the work itself wasn't overly onerous. A year of treading water and working out how to cope with everything from 10-12 hour days, to having nothing to do, to having your confidence and credibility questioned, to watching your workmates drown under similar conditions. In the words of another friend, who I ran into the other day - I've had shit year.
And I'm at a low ebb.I know that sometimes, you have to get to your lowest before you can bounce back up. I'm not spiraling into depression - but I'm not too far off.
To date, I've been telling myself that things are fine. However, it was in India that I started to feel like myself again.It took a few days. It was on a boat on the Ganges on the last morning of the Varanasi tour when my smart mouth came out. Like when was the last time I found myself let my ink-black humour and deranged giggle come out?
Yeah...
It's dawned on me that I need to find myself again. This is going to take time and a lot of self-care.
So, as my contract at work ended on Friday, I'm giving myself an extended break. It's my gift to myself.
For the next six weeks at least, no work - well no work where I'm having to go into an office and sell my skills for money in an office, with politics and deadlines and all the other great things my regular job involves. I'll look for work - half an hour a day during the week - but that's it. If interviews come, they come. If I get a job, I can start on or after 13 January. Besides, it's December tomorrow - things start to ramp down now on the work front. A job will come. There are a few irons in the fire. The job will eventuate in the new year. Of this, I'm confident.
In the mean time, I'm taking a sabbatical. Or having a spell of fun-employment - as coined by an old colleague. I'm between contracts. I'm thankful that I have the financial resources to do this without going into hock.
I'm free to find me again.
I'll do the things that feed my soul. Do the things that make me happy. Make no compromises being active and healthy and creative - the do the things that make me feel good.
Thankfully, with some careful financial management, I can afford to do this. I won't be spending my money on crap. It's not subsistence living, but I won't be splashing out on things I don't need. Just the basics - rent, food, bills, gym membership, the odd movie. A trip to Brisbane to see a beloved friend will happen, the flight has been paid for. The book group has its book choosing meeting.
Being the over achiever I am, I've set myself some goals:
Every day I'd like to complete:
Other things I'd like to get done over the six weeks:
And trust that this, along with the good eating and sunshine and friends and maybe the odd Netflix marathon, I'll get myself ready to start the next challenge at work. Early in the new year.
Well that's the goal.
In the mean time, if anybody is after a tarot reading, reflexology session/massage, having their CV updated, happy to oblige for beer money. You know where to find me. I knew I got these skills for a reason.
Watch this space.
Today's Song:
Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic
Sometimes it takes a few moments with a friend to make you realise that what is going on is not who you are, what you want or where you want to be.
Yesterday, an old colleague came to visit me at work. Cesar and I worked together a few years ago.
He's a divine man. When he's around I find myself sometimes talking like Margarita Pracatan.
He came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. Inappropriate work touching? No. As he's of South American origin, this is more than acceptable. He's also married to an equally wonderful man, so there is nothing inappropriate here. He's Cesar. He's awesome.
Feeling his touch on my shoulders, I jumped up out of my chair and we hugged. Big hug, none of this air kissing, awkward hugging. A heartfelt hug, kiss on the cheek. In the office. Surrounded by workmates.
'Ce-sar!'
'Pan-dis!'
Audible giggling and small talk followed. Cesar makes me smile. And giggle. And he always makes me feel good.
And then it hit me.
I haven't laughed in the office for a very, very long time. Like well over six months. Not since the last job when my old work husband still worked there and I was tormented by the worst dad jokes ad infinitum.
I haven't laughed for six months - at work that is.
The last time I really felt like myself was on Catherine Deveny's writer's retreat down the Great Ocean Road. It was a transformational weekend - nurturing, mad, fun and creativity was promoted, encouraged and worshipped. As was laughter. And stepping out of your comfort zone. And nurturing along with being nurtured.
That was in June.
Yeah.
It's been a really tough year at work. Two difficult projects. Two work environments which have left me mentally and spiritually drained, even though the work itself wasn't overly onerous. A year of treading water and working out how to cope with everything from 10-12 hour days, to having nothing to do, to having your confidence and credibility questioned, to watching your workmates drown under similar conditions. In the words of another friend, who I ran into the other day - I've had shit year.
And I'm at a low ebb.I know that sometimes, you have to get to your lowest before you can bounce back up. I'm not spiraling into depression - but I'm not too far off.
To date, I've been telling myself that things are fine. However, it was in India that I started to feel like myself again.It took a few days. It was on a boat on the Ganges on the last morning of the Varanasi tour when my smart mouth came out. Like when was the last time I found myself let my ink-black humour and deranged giggle come out?
Yeah...
It's dawned on me that I need to find myself again. This is going to take time and a lot of self-care.
So, as my contract at work ended on Friday, I'm giving myself an extended break. It's my gift to myself.
For the next six weeks at least, no work - well no work where I'm having to go into an office and sell my skills for money in an office, with politics and deadlines and all the other great things my regular job involves. I'll look for work - half an hour a day during the week - but that's it. If interviews come, they come. If I get a job, I can start on or after 13 January. Besides, it's December tomorrow - things start to ramp down now on the work front. A job will come. There are a few irons in the fire. The job will eventuate in the new year. Of this, I'm confident.
In the mean time, I'm taking a sabbatical. Or having a spell of fun-employment - as coined by an old colleague. I'm between contracts. I'm thankful that I have the financial resources to do this without going into hock.
I'm free to find me again.
I'll do the things that feed my soul. Do the things that make me happy. Make no compromises being active and healthy and creative - the do the things that make me feel good.
Thankfully, with some careful financial management, I can afford to do this. I won't be spending my money on crap. It's not subsistence living, but I won't be splashing out on things I don't need. Just the basics - rent, food, bills, gym membership, the odd movie. A trip to Brisbane to see a beloved friend will happen, the flight has been paid for. The book group has its book choosing meeting.
Being the over achiever I am, I've set myself some goals:
Every day I'd like to complete:
- An hour of reading
- An hour of writing
- An hour of exercise (in whatever form that takes be it walking, gym, swimming, just something to get me moving.
Other things I'd like to get done over the six weeks:
- Spend time with friends.
- Paint out the kitchen - it needs it, the landlord will pay for the paint and materials
- Marie Kondo the flat - a daunting but necessary task
- Cook all my meals - free from gluten, dairy and sugar - get back on that plan - I feel good on it.
- Make some jam - that will be everybody's Xmas present this year. I like making jam.
- Try and get that novel finished
- And get my creativity back.
And trust that this, along with the good eating and sunshine and friends and maybe the odd Netflix marathon, I'll get myself ready to start the next challenge at work. Early in the new year.
Well that's the goal.
In the mean time, if anybody is after a tarot reading, reflexology session/massage, having their CV updated, happy to oblige for beer money. You know where to find me. I knew I got these skills for a reason.
Watch this space.
Today's Song:
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