Pick Me, Pick Me!

To Tom and Liz

Proprietors - L'Hotel de L'Orange

Sommieres, Provence, France

Dear Tom and Liz, 

I have been at your establishment for approximately forty-eight hours. In this time, I have come to accept that somehow, and in some way, I really need to stay here, so I thought I would ask, really nicely of course, if you might like to keep me on in some professional capacity, 

Go on, you know that you want to. 

Last night, Liz said that I could write a letter, demonstrating all of my good points to you, so that you could see what an asset I could be to your little establishment. Of course, there are many, but here is a list of my qualities which you may find very handy. 

You don't have to pay me - happy to provide services for food and lodgings. 

So here we go. In no apparent order, here are my exceptional qualities which could be an asset around this little patch of heaven. 

1. First up, I love ironing. You have lots of beds around here which need changing and the linens laundering. My mother raised me to be a housewife, not that anybody has ever wanted to take me up on that. I am very good at washing and ironing. I mean, I come with my own Netflix account, so give me and iron and I will happily do all of your sheets, pillowcases, duvet covers, tablecloths and the like. I can see this being a mutually beneficial arrangement, as you can save on laundry, and I get to watch whatever I am binging at the time while working. I also know how to do hospital corners. 

2. I speak enough French as not to piss of the locals. Liz has already mentioned that this is a bit of a prerequisite to being here, but with my fundamental knowledge of the language I could go and collect the bread and cheese and be useful around the town. I'm quite good at ingratiating myself to people, most of whom think I'm a bit of an idiot, but I'm a friendly and kind idiot. 

3. I'm a dab hand with a paintbrush. Okay, I'm not great up ladders, but I can turn my hand to DIY when required. If you want something painted, I'm your woman. 

4. I'm happy to take direction in the kitchen and I can chop vegetables very well. My friend Blarney can provide a reference for my vegetable chopping as I've done a lot of that for her rugby club in the past. I can cook, I'm happy to serve, but you are both such great cooks, you are probably more in need of a vegetable chopper than a gourmet chef. 

5. I'm also very good at doing dishes. Happy to both wash and dry. No moaning about either. 

6. As you know, you often get in therapists for your clientele. I can come with a massage table and a wealth of experience in massage, aromatherapy, reflexology and reiki healing. I could set myself up on the pool deck and you could charge out my services. I'm also a dab hand with tarot cards. See, your own Madame Sosostris. (Look her up if you don't know about her.)

7. Being a writer, I could help revamp the copy on your already wonderful website. 

8. Although I am not a gardener by nature, I'm happy to learn. With the large garden, I'm happy to do what you need around the place, again, under direction. Blarney gave me some welding gloves for my birthday last year, so I come with some equipment, and I am willing to learn. 

9. Of your books around the place, I have read many of them. As I hold a Masters degree in Writing, I can hold my own in most conversations about books. This is a handy thing. I could get to know the books that you have around the place and direct guests to what might be good for them. I see that Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go has already been snaffled. The Hilary Mantels are still resting in that lovely bookshelf you made. I could be sort of like a house librarian. I'm happy to get my French literature more up to speed. At the moment, I can only recommend St Exupery's Le Petit Prince. 

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.”

10. I am a great listener. Stories are my thing. I can sit, and chop vegetables, or pretend to be a lifeguard by the pool, or you name it, I can listen without prejudice to anybody's stories. This is a land of stories. Another listener would not be amiss. 

There are ten things that can recommend me to a position within your fine establishment. 

Okay, yes, I have an inconvenient Australian passport, and yes, I do come with a crotchety black cat called Lucifer, who I am sure we can teach to be a mouser, but you won't see him much because he hates nearly everybody and there are such good places to hide around here you won't see him for dust. As Tom doesn't like cats, I can see this being an issue. And yes, I have just committed to another year in Satan's arsehole over the other side of the world. 

But I have a new life goal, and that is to return here in the not-too-distant future. You, and your lovely establishment, just off the centre of Sommieres, has welded itself to my heart. This need to return is palpable. Cellular even. 

But I thought I might ask you for a job first, as this might expedite matters.

Yours, with complete sincerity and a lot of love, 

Pandora

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