Who am I?

 I am here. 

Down the Great Ocean Road just out of  Apollo Bay at Catherine Deveny's Gunnas writer's retreat. This is the mothership. I'm surrounded by about 30 other like-minded people - mostly women, a couple of men who get loud, opinionated, free-thinking women - because you wouldn't be here if you weren't like that.

So far we've had a meet and greet, had some dinner - a lovely barbeque and now we're on our first block of writing exercises.

I'm settling into this retreat far easier than I did the last one. I know what to expect. I know I can sit near the edge of the room and be quiet. I know I can 

And the first question we were asked was "Who are you?"

Shit!

Who am I?

The problem with these weekends is that the poet appears to come out  - which is as gratifying as it is scary. 

One of the reasons I come to these retreats, other than returning to the mothership for a sense of fellowiship, belonging and calm is for the ideas which the retreats generates. Just being out of your comfort zone is wonderful enough. 

But I am now pondering how to the question, who am I. It was either this or write aboyt my first experience with masturbation. Umm, nobody needs to hear about that...

God, help me. 

So here we go. 

Who am I?

I am Panda.

I am an introvert. And this is fine. This is good even. It's taken me forever to accept my introversion, but now, I wear it like a superhero cape. 

I like to think that I’m invisible, but I’m not. I should stop kidding myself. 

I am kind – I have always been kind and I always will be kind. Animals, children and old people are drawn to me. Again, it's like another superpower which is so underated. Why isn't kindness valued in our commmunity at large? Why isn't it valued by our government. It isn't a sign of weakness - far from it. 

I am a writer. And being a writer is what I really am in my soul. I don’t think I’ve ever really said that. I AM A WRITER  - and I should shout this from the treetops – but never do – because I am a writer and being a writer is hard and horrible and something you would never be if it wasn’t a vocation. 

I am a writer. I have to tell myself this often, because self-doubt is something that all writers feel and all writers know and all writers have a feel for. Sometimes it laps at your feet, other days the waves bowl you over, other times you’re carried out on the tsunami tide and you have no idea where you will end up.

For being a writer is hard. 

Okay, that was part of the first exercise. Everybody's gone to bed now. Part of me wants to go and find the full moon. A very small part of me wants to find a puff on a cigarette, not that I smoke anymore, but that second gin and tonic was on the strong side.

But I am at the mothership.

I'm free to be me this weekend. 

Today's Song: