Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Abyss

I'm going to a funeral in a few hours, so I'm sitting here at home, in my gym clothes, trying to find the energy to get my bum onto a cross traiiner for half an hour. My body, and mind, and spirit feel decidedly battered. Not helping matters, the next door neighbours are renovating, so I'm listening to the grating drone of a sander.

The funeral is for one of my lodge members, the lady who bumped me in to co-freemasonry. A beautiful, loving, etherial presence, who even when going through the ravages of chemotherapy kept her spirit and courage. She was in her late fifties - too young really. But knowing that this spirited, joyous mother and grandmother had a wonderful life fills me with some peace. I have no qualms taking a day off as a mark of respect. I need to do it. These guys have become part of my extended family. You do this for family.

The last few days have been hard. Really hard.There's been a lot of emotion flying around. I've had numerous people crying, actually, make that sobbing, in my arms over the last few days. Card readings will normally bring out a few tears, but these were hard core. Seriously huge things are happening to people out there. And all I can do is witness this.

The Grounded Dutchman is going through his own readjustments. He's finding his limitations, which I know is frustrating him no end. Our daily reading and diction sessions continue and he's doing well - but it's other little things that are getting to him. Before the accident, nothing seemed to bother him. Now, he's a lot more sensitive and emotional.  We went to see Inception last night and he had to leave part way through - the whole experience was too noisy and intense for him. He went to a bar to celebrate a leaving do - similar experience - he had to walk out, unable to cope with the noisy atmosphere.

Maybe not so strangely, I get where he's coming from with the noisy environments. Maybe it's me getting old, or just being rather sensitive, but I hate crowded, noisy spaces. I can do concerts at a push, but I would rather be out of the mosh pit (unless the Pixies are playing). It was sad to see him go early - it was a fabulous film. 

And as for me - I'm just trying to find some direction. The pain in the side contintues. I had my regular appointment with the myotherapist yesterday, telling her of the joys of St Vincents Emergency Room. She started pummelling my back. "We need to get some of this trauma out of you. You're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. No wonder you feel like you're giving way."

And she's right. It's just how I feel.

A lot of this has to do with the situation at Tin Can, String and Whistle. It really is in a state of flux at the moment. People are leaving left right and cente, nobody is sure what we'll be doing in the next three months - and I've been editing a large document and what ever dribs and drabs I can get - this makes me feel really undervalued. Going from a dream job where I loved the work and the people to where I am now is so deflating.

So, what are my options?

Leave and find someting new. Start over. Get out now?
Take up the six month sabbatical that is on offer at the moment - 14 weeks pay to take 26 weeks off - and to come back to a job, not sure what - maybe get moved to India or Vietnam? Find some contracting work in between?
Or keep on going the way things are, waiting to be made redundant.

I'm also looking at why I'm so resistant to move. A lot of this comes down to the fact that I love the people at Tin Can, String and Whistle. I'm at a place where I know I'm respected and my real work, when I do it, is valued.

Even putting my name down for roles in India and Vietnam is daunting. This wasn't done on a whim. I look at what I have here - no property, no animals, no family. It's just my friends, who are my support network and joy, that keep me here.

Honestly, I feel like wrapping myeself in cotton wool. All a bit pointless when you're staring down into an abyss. If you jump, you don't know how hard the bump at the bottom is going to be.

Then again, you don't know if you going to jump and fly off to somewhere miraculous.

Cards of the Blog:  The Hermit, The High Priestess and The Ace of Swords.

Look within, trust your instincts and get your head around it. You'll do just fine.

Great. Keep drinking the Rescue Remedy, get your cards read.
And most importantly, view my wonderful future.


Kath Lockett said...

Can you do Tarot on yourself?

Sometimes you'll find a solution or idea will pop during a run, or even - dare I say this - during a funeral....?

Where have the other good folk from Tin Can String and Whistle gone? Can you follow them?

Pandora Behr said...

I've just come back from having my cards read. Interesting. Pretty much what I was reading for myself. It's going to be a bit of watch this space. Very, very inspiring and validating stuff.