Saturday, December 15, 2012

I Don't Like It (or Room 101 Pandora-Style)

In George Orwell's "1984" people were tortured by being put in a room with their worst fear or phobia. In more recent times, Room 101 has been a mythical place where things you dislike intensely are placed. There was a wonderful BBC Series when I was living in London that had celebrities banishing items to the room. Paul Merton used to host it.

Anyway, as it's my spring cleaning day, it's time to banish a few things to this room - gone to no longer blight my existence for the rest of eternity. Time to get these objects of loathing, despise and nightmares no longer blighting my psyche.

1)  Tony Abbott

(The blurb on this photo reads: A little known fact about Tony Abbott is that due to the lack of any kind of human heart, he must be kept on a respirator at all times. This also maintains a steady balance of bullshit and concentrated evil flowing through his veins.)

I don't hate anybody. But I do intensely dislike our Leader of the Opposition. His views are odious. More than odious. They're enough to make me want to go after the dickhead with a cricket bat. Wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

Narrow-minded, unsympathetic, repetetive and completely backwards, how this tit ever got to lead the opposition is beyond me - he only got in with one vote anyway - so most of the party don't like him. Anti anything that the Catholic Church doesn't see as right (gay marriage, women out in the workforce, migrants....) his views are stuck back in the 1950's,  back with his predecessor, John Howard's haircut and track suit. Odious, odious man.

Even one of his daughters in an interview described him as a "Lame, gay, churchy loser." Personally I think that is very disrespectful to gays.

Shooo, be gone.

Though without him, who would I yell at on the telly on breakfast television? (Oh, that's why we have Karl Stefanovic).

The other shame - that is DAMNED fine chest hair. Damn fine chest air. It's chest hair that doesn't belong on an idiot like him.

Such a pity that chest rug is attached to such and horrible, horrible man.

2) Pug Dogs

I've been known to say, "I'd love to kick a chiahuahua. Not out of malice - I'd just like to see how far it goes." I don't have anything agaist chiahuahuas. I would never, ever hurt an animal.The one chiahuahua I know is quite lovely in her own, slightly smelly way.

Pug Dogs, like Chiahuahuas and Pomeranians, fall into my pointless category of dogs. Utterly pointless. What do they do, other than chomp at your ankles and shed hair?

Pug Dogs have the added bonus of not being overly pretty. Actually, I think they're butt ugly. For heaven's sake, they look like they've been chasing parked cars.

Seriously, no malice, but I wouldn't miss them if they were gone.

Though this turned up on my facebook page the other day. Mildly amusing.

3) People who take the aisle seat on trams/trains/buses

I thankfully don't spend that much time on public transport, walking to and from work when I can. A big reason why I walk, apart from the benefits of the exercise, is that people one the tram can be particularly rude. I still rue the day I may have to drive to work - can't think of anything worse - just I as my socialist views are very pro-public transport.

Still, a pet hate of mine is people who sit in the aisle seat and will not let others pass, particularly when the tram/train/bus is busy. There should be no reason why you have to say "Excuse me," or "Can you please move your bag. Has it swiped its Myki? Does it have a Myki?" in a loud voice to take a seat by the window on a tram.

Let people through for pity's sake. Grrrr. It's called public transport for a reason.

I feel similar about people who don't make the effort to clear the aisles or talk loudly for extended periods of time on their mobile phones on public transport as well.

And don't get me started about school kids who won't stand up for at the least pregnant women and the elderly. Even I give up my seat for them.

Of course, there are people you don't want to sit next to.

4) Women who wear leggings as trousers

Leggings are not trousers. Leggings are leggings. They go under things. If you are not wearing a top that goes down to at least your thighs, don't wear them out of the house. You can wear what you like around the house, just don't wear leggings as trousers in public. Ever.

The only exception to this rule is if you are wearing running gear and you are either going to, coming from or doing exercise (and have a pair of runners on with a water bottle in tow). You can just get away with leggings in public then. As long as they are sporting leggings, not the ones that should be worn under stuff. Like these leggings in the picture below.

There should be a law against it.

5) Delta Goodrem

Unlike Tony Abbott, I don't loathe Delta Goodrem.

She's probably a very nice person.

It's unfortunate that she had cancer a few years back. It's good that she's in remission. She doesn't seem to have much luck with the blokes. That McFadden fellow appears to be a complete wanker. Like chiahuahuas, I bear her no malice.

Still - she's getting relegated to Room 101 because I find her completely and utterly insipid. I'm sure her middle name is Mediocre. I have no idea why she gets so much press. Like the Kardashians, I have no idea what she does or why she does it and I don't care. She pretends to 'entertain' people but I don't think she sings that well at all. If I hear 'Born to Try' ever again it will be too soon.

She's in the room because she's boring.

6) Essendon Football Club

Most people in Melbourne barrack for their team and whoever is playing Collingwood.

I barrack for the Adelaide Crows and whoever is playing Essendon.

Arrogant tossers with the worst supporters in the AFL, nothing will get up my nose quicker than an Essendon supporter or mention of how allegedly great this daft team is. So they won a few games in the early naughties

I have a number of friends who barrack for this excuse for a football club. I have been nearly pitched out of a party for vocally supporting Collingwood when they were playing Essendon - but I can't keep quiet. I really dislike Essendon and I will yell it from the rooftops. Even when they are playing Collingwood.

The only time I will keep schtum is when they are playing Port Adelaide - it's like I'm a Liverpool fan trying to work out who to support in a game where Everton and Manchester United are playing.

Daft thing is, I'm not a football junkie.

But I still hate Essendon.

7) The English Version of "The Office"

Many of my friends love the British version of "The Office".

I don't.

It's too close to the bone. I've worked with most of these people. I want to do serious damage to Ricky Gervais when he's in character as David Brent - otherwise I think he's a very funny man. I've seen the staplers in jelly. I've seen the office relationships. I've been there. Don't need to see it in all its glory on the telly.

I can watch the American version of the show no worries. I don't get so annoyed with that version of the show.

But there is something about the English version of the show that makes me switch off after two minutes. It's too uncomfortable. Far too close to the bone to be funny.

8) Huntsman Spiders

This is an actual phobia of mine.

I would put a picture of these dreadful things on the page, but looking at pictures of them make me feel uncomfortable.

For those not in Australia, they can grown to the size of a bread and butter plate in leg span. They aren't poisonous but can give you a nasty nip.

And I still need a bit strong bloke to come and kill them for me - though most of the blokes I know are a bit scared of them too. Thankfully I've not had many in this flat. And I have bug spray around the place to kill them. Yes, I know I should take them outside - but I can't stand them. They make me cry. Hairy and ugly, they have traumatised me since childhood where they were around all the time.

Horrid, horrid things.

9) Pie Face

There is enough fat, sugar and carbohydrate laden food around the city without having the addition of Pie Face thrown into the mix.

Overpriced, aged, fat-laden tasteless excuse for food, this is everything bad about franchised food outlets. They've sprung up around the city like a bad case of herpes.

Unfortunately, its often  the only place open late at night other than the Seven-Eleven that can provide sustenance. Unfortunately the calories contained in most of their offerings could sustain a small third world company for a week.

It doesn't help that I don't eat meat pies. Never had one, don't intend to start.

It would nice to see them stock a line item that wasn't brown in colour.

Pie Face is the pinnacle of everything bad in fast food.
10) Burpees

Whoever invented these was a complete sadist.

It's not that I can't do burpees. I won't do burpees. After about three of them I get giddy and have to have a rest. I'll squat, plank, lunge, cable, sit up, run, ride, swim, throw around a medicine ball... you name it. But I won't do burpees.

11) Fake Fingernails

Okay, I'm lucky. I've been blessed with nice fingernails. They're strong, nicely shaped and don't look bad long or short. I've never bitten them. I like my hands.

I hate the look of fake nails - those thick acryllic gel nails.

How unhygienic must they be? Then you go stick a picture on them.

Sorry, not for me. I know the nail industry is keeping a lot of young women employed in some pretty dire conditions.

Sorry. If you don't have good nails, keep them short and clean.

Anything looks better than those thick, dirty looking monstrosities that adorn so many women's hands.

I just don't get it.

Ah. That feels better. Spleen vented.

Time for bed.



Marc said...

Well, about The Office: there is a reason they call it "cringe comedy". Ricky Gervais is the unholy high priest and supreme ruler of the genre. Though the Americans did a fairly decent adaptation of the series.

Huntsman Spiders - yes, totally agree. And I've only ever seen pictures of them, thank goodness.

Pie Face looks alright to me. I'd probably try those a few times a week.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

Never heard of Tony Abbott but that photo of him is horrible.

Pugs? Not bothered about them.

Tram seats - agree totally.

Leggings as trousers - mmm not sure about that.

Delta Goodrem - never heard of her.

Essendon Football Club - Oz rules I take it. I have a list of sporting clubs I want to put in at a future date.

The English Office - oh no!! That can't go in. It is the original and the best. No Pand - no!

Huntsman Spiders - yes Yes YEESSS!! Get them in and get them in NOW. Horrible horrible HORRIBLE creatures.

Pie Face - not heard of them.

Burpees - I had to look that up. Got tired just watching it.

Fake Fingernails - Yep - I don't like long fingernails - false or otherwise.

Fab post - apart from the Office.




The Elephant's Child said...

You have put me in a quandary. Tony Abbot? But of course. But I don't think that I dislike anyone else (with the exception of shock jocks like Alan Jones and Piers Akerman) enough to have them in the same room. Perhaps a separate room for them, where they can preach to the converted for ever and ever. (And his chest hair leaves me cold too.)