I didn't know it was a thing. I didn't know it had a name. I didn't know that this was part of the deal.
This AUDHD (Autism+ADHD) journey has been revelatory. And vindicating.
Speaking to a colleague today, whose son has a number of things that put him squarely on the spectrum, he was saying that as he's getting older, it's easier to help him regulate.
As a late-diagnosed woman, I can see this. As an adult, you know yourself. You've worked out a lot of your triggers and have your strategies in place. You know how to self-regulate. The meds help. And sometimes, the clarity of the situation takes your breath away.
Case in point - the concept of the work persona.
I have one of these.
I am an introvert. Yet, I am also bubbly, chatty, engaged, helpful (for the most part) and sociable at work. I can talk to anybody. I can talk to a room of people without blinking. I'm happy to speak in public, talk to a room of hundreds. I will approach anybody, at any time. This is my well-honed, well-crafted work persona.
However, tell me that there are work drinks and that I have to go to a pub and make small talk, not drink, because I'm not drinking much at the moment, and my anxiety goes through the roof. I want to curl up under my desk in the foetal position.
Three years ago, I wouldn't have called it anxiety.
I recognise it now for what it is.
On learning there were work drinks today at a large team meeting, the discomfort started immediately.
When we got out of the meeting, I talked this through with a colleague. Part of it is that I've only been at the bank for less than a month. I know my team, and that's it. The other 50 people in the broader team, not so much.
As nice as these people are, hanging around drinking coke zero, doing the small talk thing - it wasn't going to happen.
People are surprised. "But you're so bubbly!" they cry. Yes, at work. With my work persona in place. Once I step out the door, all I want to do is go home, do some exercise and talk to the cat.
I've felt like this all my life. Large gatherings - I have always had to psyche myself up for them. If I do go, I stick to the edges of the room - find my tribe. It's why I liked being a smoker - I had a place to go with likeminded people. At Blarney's. when she holds a barbeque, you find me outside with the boys, looking at the fire, normally with a beer. It's quieter.
And there is a name for it. Crippling social anxiety. I've always had it. Now I can put a name to it and not feel bad when I'm running fast in the opposite direction of the work drinks / large party / wedding / event where I have to chat to strangers in a meaningless way comes up.
The team went for their drinks. I stayed back. As I'm having Friday morning off for a funeral, I got the jump on some other work. That felt good. On arriving home, the cat was fed, then I went for a long walk. That was wonderful. I met lots of dogs on the walk too.
It felt good to be true to myself. Even better, I can name what it is that has made these events have me in tears for years.
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