Clarity always comes in the middle of a boring task. In today’s case, I was nearly finished the compliance training modules that any contractor will tell you about. They’re boring, and time-consuming, and unfortunately a legal necessity. I mean, how hard is it to know that there is a code of conduct And you shouldn’t steal or bully or tell anybody anything. Really. That is what all these compliance things are about.
Anyway, I was walking through these courses as you do. I was riding my Ritalin haze when some thoughts intruded.
I’m currently following a content creator on Instagram who goes by the tag of Healing by the Numbers. She is a psychologist who deals with trauma, and a lot of her content reflects on her abusive marriage. She’s interesting, and very informative. And thankfully, no longer married to the cretinous waste of space.
Today the penny dropped.
It was abuse. It wasn’t sexual abuse or physical abuse, but it was abuse. Silence can be abuse. Not keeping to your word is abuse making a belittling comments is abuse. (What sort of job was a technical writer? Anybody could do that? They used to tell me this all the time.) Breadcrumbing is abuse.
And years on now, with absolutely no contact, I realised that what I feel when I now think of him, is shame.
God, it’s horrible.
It’s been over for years now, but sometimes, when you’re doing something bizarre, and your mind is reasonably quiet, but shame keeps creeps back in.
However, by admitting it, that the relationship was built on abuse, and knowing that it wasn’t you doing the abusing, there really is no reason to feel shame.
The next part is to forgive myself for allowing myself to have this happen to me. I’m a lot stronger for all of this. I’m a lot happier without him.
I’m thankful for the clarity. Forgiveness will come. It will take time, but the clarity makes it easier to do.
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