Theatre Review: Torch the Place

The Play:  Torch the Place
Where: The Fairfax Theatre
Until: 23 March
Stars: 4

The conversation after the play turned to aging parents. In a group of older professionals, we all had our stories. Moving out, downsizing, hoarding, Swedish Death Cleaning, removalists, the best way to get stuff done.

Some of these themes were covered in Benjamin Law's Torch the Place in an engaging, touching and ultimately very human way.

The premise is quite simple. Three adult children decide to get their mother the ultimate present for her birthday. Their help in cleaning out the family pile. Teresa (Fiona Choi), the eldest, the responsible one takes charge. Natalie (Michelle Lim Davidson) takes a break from her Instagram famous life to come and help, along with younger brother Toby (Charles Wu) take on the task of managing Mum while trying to clean up a house overrun with crap.

As mentioned before, Mum (Diana Lin) is not having a bar of it.

What entails is a ninety minute finely nuanced play, as funny as it is tragic, as the family comes to grips with Mum's hoarding and the family's tenuous grip on the past. This is one of the funnier plays the MTC has put on in a while.

Benjamin Law's script is well on the mark. The actors are all wonderful. Fiona Choi's Teresa gives a balanced performance as the older system, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Michelle Lim Davidson is delightfully annoying as the middle sister (she seems to have a handle on these roles as seen in An Ideal Husband last year) and Diana Lim is a crack up as Mum, a woman whose secrets are buried deep in the crap contained in her house.

It was great to see an all Asian cast. Some could see it as patronising, but I think the universality of the play would mean that any family of any background could be portrayed here.

The other major character in the play is the set, which will have you looking around, nodding your head and remembering all the stuff you once had - and have hopefully thrown out or moved on.

This is a really strong and enjoyable offering from the MTC. It comes highly recommended.




Today's Song:

Playing with Voices / Playing with yourself

I'm at a bit of a loss - as I'm trying to pull something out everyday and I'm looking at the annals of the back up ideas I have, and today, it seems was the day for this one.

The quiz question: Songs about Masturbation. The following were mentioned:

• Turning Japanese by The Vapours
• Blister in the Sun by The Violent Femmes
• She Bop by Cindy Lauper
• I'm a Wanker by Ivor Biggun and the Winkers
• I Touch Myself by the Divinyls
• Pump It Up by Elvis Costello

I was reminded that I'd done a writing exercise on a glorious writer's retreat, where I managed to rub out 700 words about the joys of self-love.

As I'm in a funny mood, it's time to pull this out and give it a beating.

(Basically I'm procrastinating and not novel writing, but I'm going to keep Friday nights sacred for other things other than writing).

So here we go, let's see what comes of this. (P.s. this is a disembodied voice, not me - my fantasies are far more banal and normally concern Clive Owen or Tom Ellis with Jeff Beck's Brush with the Blues in the background. )

The thing I had forgotten was that my old strategy for relieving boredom, was, when all else fails, masturbate to the gentle sounds of Elton John singing Honky Cat – for what better song is there to get your rocks off to than somebody singing an unintelligible song about who knows what. It was something about the beat, the funk and the fact that in the three minutes of the song, I could get myself off quickly and easily. It was a bit of a benign song to beat off to, but who cares.

You could take any song and masturbate to it – but something that makes you relax, enjoy and take you from zero to hero in no time is never a bad thing. I know of some people that beat off to the joys of Ravel’s Bolero, or Boom Boom Boom or heaven forbid, Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You, but I’ve always enjoyed taking my time with myself to Elton John’s earlier works. There is something about having fun with yourself, with a beat, with generally non-sensical lyrics, which does people well. It was a strategy that did me well until I discovered my vibrator – which was also a revelation.

It’s moments like these when you find yourself taking a Mondrian view of things. The rationale of which is that logic should come from the heart, not the head, and certainly not the pussy. The pussy and the head will lead you astray – the heart and the gut never will. Mondrian’s rationale is that True Simplicity takes a lot of concentration and that utopia can be found in the straight line. Whereas wanking takes all sorts of stimulus, whether it be the nips or the skin or the sight of porn or whatever that may be, that first vibrator, a small jobbie, not too much larger than a lipstick, did the job well and good. The first orgasm it gave me lasted for 20 minutes.

The quality of the orgasm is can vary. We’ll talk about that later. For is it a matter of quality over quantity. It depends on the day as to what you need. Whether it is a quick beat off or a long slow loving of yourself, you should never knock masturbation. It’s sex with somebody you love, as Woody Allen once said. It’s definitely not the size of the vibrator – more what it does. You get what it right for you. I was once given a vibrator  - I gave it to the Salvos  when I was cleaning out – unused of course.

I need a box to place in all the horrid things that I have thought about sex over the last thirty years. If I asked myself what wouldn’t I do, anal sex is one of those things. It just doesn’t float my boat. Of course, kids and animal will never come in to my sex life, unless there is an errant cat that decides that it’s going to sit in the middle of myself and my partner at the time. This has happened. The cat was shooed of the bed. It was brilliant. Things were just about to get interesting and then there was this moment when we had to stop and chuck the cat out of the room. Poor puss, I think she was just looking for a bit of warmth.

For me, I think all of this sex stuff has got a lot easier since I started to love myself. I’ve stopped looking at myself in the negative an started to grow in the positive. I wish somebody had told me tis in my twenties.

The Japanese have a saying, you can only appreciate the sunny days after you have seen the rain. After going through the abject horror can you appreciate the wonders of life. Like a cashed up bogan in a two dollar shop, they can only see the cost, but not the value of what they are experiencing. It’s sad that it has taken so long to embrace the joy of self love. It’s never been something I’ve been ashamed of, but I wish it was something that I never had to feel shame about. That is one of the joys of a Methodist up bringing – no concern for the emotional level of things. If I was to have another life and another upbringing, it would be one where I was brought up to love my body, to love myself, and feel confident in. I’d have the confidence to pursue what I wanted earlier.

Today's song:

Today's Advice

I started writing that novel yesterday. Okay, I re-started writing that novel today. I got about 500 words done.

The things that go through your head when you're writing a novel numerous, ponderous and really quite strange.

On the list of things which I've thought about:

• A Scottish children's verse
• What would the world be like without grandmothers
• The use of intertextuality
• Where the above could fit in the book I'm writing
• The using the first person,vs using the second person vs using the third person
• World building
• Old political slogans
• Argentina and The Disappeared
• Dumb Ways to Die
• Civil disobedience

This is just some of the stuff I thought about in regards to the novel.

Then there is the other stuff. The questioning myself that I can really do this - to write something that other people might want to read, the the standard that I want to reach (Dammit I'm hard on myself). 

I had a quick chat to a mentor of mine. She's an incredible woman. Bright, brash, sassy, outspoken - and the dealer of kicks up the arse when required. 

We spoke about school. I told her of what I was feeling and the jitters I was having going into all this.

I'm the first to admit, this is a huge endeavour and I'm rather at odds as to how I'm going to pull all this out. Lots of self-doubt and fear come at you. I've been feeling a lot of this.

Speaking to my mentor, I said that I need to get out of my own way. I'm good at getting in my own way.

This has to stop.

My mentor's advice: Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to stop participating in it.

As I said, my mentor is a very sage woman.

I'm getting on with it. It's the only thing I have to do. 

Today's song:

The Battle of the Bog Roll

Mob behaviour is a strange thing.

So here we are on the brink of a global pandemic. The coronavirus appears to be the latest pariah to blight humanity. Up there with Ebola, SARS, AIDS, bird flu, swine flu and anti-vaxers, we now have the coronavirus, or COVID-19.

If you read the more official channels you'll find out:

• This started in China
• It's now getting some legs in Japan, Iran, Italy and Korea
• Children under ten don't appear to get it
• It's got a higher morbidity rate, but really, most healthy people under 65 will get a mild dose of the flu and that's about it. If you're old or have a compromised immune system, things are a bit grimmer, but still. 
• Part of the reason there is the scare is that unlike world hunger or bad sanitation, this directly effects and scares old, privileged rich people.
• Washing your hands properly can help keep this at bay
• Lots of people will die - but lots of people die every year from the flu.

So basically, though there are issues here, living in Australia, we don't really have a reason to panic.

I've had advice from a G.P to maybe stock up on an extra month of prescription drugs, just one month, just as a stand by - as many of these come from China, which is currently under lockdown with little getting in or out.

But why, oh why, has there been a run on loo paper? I mean, loo paper. This flu doesn't even give you the shits - yet people are hoarding the stuff. The website www.whogivesacrap.com.au has sold out of the stuff.

It's bog roll!

I needed to see this for myself, and knowing I'm genuinely getting low on the stuff (Down the the last full roll - that's when you get bog roll in my place) I went to the shops after work.

I only ever buy six rolls at a time. I get the environmentally friendly, unbleached stuff with the frogs on it - none of this Quilton or Sorbent for me. None of the generic Coles stuff either. Anything other than the unbleached stuff bites me - which is not pleasant.

True to form, the shelves were all but empty. I managed to get the last six rolls of my favoured frog paper. And that was about all that was left.

As for tissues, also needed - there were some crappy Sorbent ones, one of the ones I normally get with the labrador puppies on the box.The tissues were all but gone too.

Stupid thing is, most loo paper is manufactured here. 

So why the run on this bog standard necessity? Mob mentality? Stupidity? Do the hoarders know something we don't know?

What I don't get is that we live on an island nation, with excellent health care. The Government, bless it's little cotton socks, got a jump on this, restricting travel, instituting quarantine and generally acting in a half decent way (surprising for this Federal government).

Seriously - how many dunny wafers do people need?

It's absolutely ludicrous behaviour.

And I'm glad I have my six rolls now sitting on the toilet shelf, waiting for the madness to subside. 

Today's song:

I think I'm going to like it here...

First impressions of school - in no particular order.

• Walking through the door of Allen and Unwin this afternoon felt like walking over the threshold into some miraculous heroes journey. Think of Frodo leaving he shire or Odysseus leaving Ithaca.
• School, as I'm going to call it, is held in the conference room of an old terrace house on Albert Street, East Melbourne, in the boardroom of the Kid's Publishing area.
• The walls are lined with kid's books. We are allowed to touch the kid's books but we have to put them back where we found them or Elyse (Editor, Kids Literature, Allen and Unwin) will get grumpy - and we need to be nice to Elyse. Elyse opens the door for us. 
• There are ten of us in the class. 
• Everybody, at first meeting, seems lovely.
• There are two PhD's in the group.
• Two or three of us have Master's Degrees in writing/editing/journalism. 
• There are two people who have previously published novels.
• Most of us write for a living in some way, shape or form.
• There are a couple of lawyers in the group. In any group, there are always lawyers. Both of the lawyers are funny. 
• The median age range is approximately 40-years-old. Some millennials, a couple of boomers the rest of us are somewhere in the middle. 
• Everybody is pretty passionate about the written word. You'd bloody hope so. 
• They gave us some books to read. (Charlotte Wood's Animal People and Claire Keegan's Foster)
• They also gave us an anthology of work from last year's courses. A showcase so to speak. 
• You are invited to put some work into the anthology at the end of the second term.
• Publishers and agents read the anthology.
• Numerous ex-students have picked up agents and publishing contracts from the anthology.
• Every week we will be workshopping a couple of pieces of the group. 
• We have to put in the workshopping to the group a few days before school.
• You also get a one on one consult with one of the tutors 
• They feed us snacks, tea, coffee and water. 
• Everybody is writing something different
• There are a couple of lit heads, so I'm happy (Lit heads = writers of literary fiction)
• Carrie Tiffany is an awesome teacher. I know Paddy O'Reilly will be just as awesome. 
• Writing exercises are fun in a group environment are great fun
• We have to share our stuff - no questions asked
• We will have visitors through the term - publishers, agents, editors etc
• I want to read The Pillow Book by Sei Shonogon now (it was written in 990 AD - it's lots of lists. It's cool. And timely. Even 1100 years on. 
• I really have to put some hefty work into this.
• My head is spinning.
• I feel like I'm in the foxhole with my tribe.
• The tram stop is 100 metres from the front door. 
• I think this may be the opportunity of a lifetime.
• I really don't want to fuck this up. 

Today's Song:

Back to School

 School starts tomorrow. 

This feels a bit different to all the other times I’ve started school. It feels like this could be the start of something really big. I don’t know. The opportunity was too good not to take up, but this is different.

I look at the last time I’ve been at school.

My Masters was done online. The start of term was a matter of looking at the class list and hoping you were in the classes with mates – and not to many of the drongoes you’d encountered in previous terms. I made a lot of friends in during my Masters. 

I did a few subjects at Melbourne Uni in the early noughties. I didn’t get to know anybody there – the lectures were fine – and the tutorials weren’t mandatory. 

The Diploma of Professional Writing and Editing was done after hours at TAFE. That was great – again, made some friends, classes were fun all was good. 

I did my bachelors degree back when God as a boy. The start of term was more about the smell of books, working out which tutor you were getting and where your rooms was located at college. It was a social thing.

I look at this and I reckon there have been very few years when I haven’t been in school.

And I still call it school. Cos that’s what the experience is all about. Learning stuff about in a structured environments in a classroom, with people who want to do the same.

It's school.

And just like when I was a kid, I'm getting excited about going back now.

I've got my travel laptop packed in my work bag. A notepad and new pen are in with it. We've already had emails from one of the tutors. Like somebody who's won the Stella Prize is emailing me! We have to work out when we're getting our work workshopped - argh! People will be reading my stuff. Kill me now!

Yep. I'm going back to school tomorrow - and I'm really scared but really excited.

Today's Song:

Bicycle Sidewalk Meme

I'm off to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child this afternoon and Jay is picking me up in an hour. It's a full afternoon and evening at the theatre.

Let's see if we can get this done before we go.

Questions. as always, purloined from Bev at Sunday Stealing.

1. Do you think animals dream?

Absolutely. Haven't you seen a cat or dog chase rabbits when they sleep, then wake up all foggy. Of course they dream.

2. Have you ever been to a fortune teller or psychic?

Yes. I read tarot cards to a professional level, so I've seen many card readers in my day, most through practicing. Psychics, on the other hand, I have no faith in them at all,

3. How important is it to have a low stress job?

Depends on the personality. In my case, I like having a cruisy job, but I need some action to keep me occupied mentally. Not too stressed is where I like to land. I'm hoping I've found that in my new job.

4. Do you always lock your house?

At night and when I'm out, absolutely. I live in a fairly high crime area. We have to watch ourselves.

5. What do you do if you feel lonely?

Occasionally. I like my solitude and need my alone time, but sometimes this tips over to loneliness.

6. Have you ever driven a sports car?

Yes. I worked at a car leasing place many years ago - I got to drive a couple of Lotus sports cars. That was great fun.

7. Have you ever fallen down the stairs?

I've tripped down a few stairs, but nothing major where I've done an injury to myself.

8. What do you think about the death penalty?

I don't like it at all. We don't have the death penalty here in Australia - I'm very glad of that. There is too much of a margin for error - and you can't take it back.

9. What do you think about animal testing?

Another thing I don't like and I try to buy products which haven't been tested on animals.

10. What are your neighbors like?

My neighbours in my stairwell are great. Lovely people. Quiet and respectful and always up for a chat. My downstairs neighbours and I have each other's keys. It's great to know somebody is looking out for you.

11. Do you turn off the water when you brush your teeth?

Of course. Australia is drought-ridden. It's a waste of water to leave it running. We're well trained over here.

12, Are there any foods that you wouldn’t eat as a child that you now like?

There are a few that come to mind. Mushrooms, broccoli, beans and stew. I hated stew as a kid. I don't mind it now.

13. Is it important to always tell the truth?

Very. It's also a lot less stressful than lying.

14. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

I have eaten a lot of kangaroo. It's still strange to me to be eating an animal on the coat of arms. Durian sweets were another anomily. A colleague brought them back from Malaysia.

15. Do computers really help us save time?

I think they waste more time that save us time, but in some things, they are a godsend - like for doing accounts.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

One very small Chinese symbol on my hip. Out of sight, out of mind.

17. Do you pray every day?

I'm not a Christian, but I send out good intentions every day. I don't call it praying, but it is sort of the same thing when you talk to the universe.

18. Are you in favor of cloning?

Not really. I think our science dollar could be spend on other things - but if it is for sciences sake, then I have issue with it.

19. How do you feel about changing your nationality?

I still think that if I could, I would happily be British. I'm a Pom (Limey) on the inside.

20. Would you ever buy a used car?

I only buy used cars - from a dealership, with full history and low mileage, but I've never owned a new to me car. It's a waste of a few thousand dollars as you roll the new car off the forecourt.

21. Should you spank a child when they do something wrong?

I'm not a fan of spanking. Occasionally a small tap to get a child out of danger, I can see the point of - but not full on spanking. Hurts the spanker more than the spankee.

22. Has science made a negative impact on society?

Absolutely not. We need more of it - and have it better represented in the media and society.

23. Have you ever gone on a blind date?

Yes. They've been okay for the most part. Nothing to write home about either.

24. Do you believe there is life after death?

Yes. I believe in reincarnation.


Today's song: