'Insert your Deity here '
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
There are times when I am not Pandora - Queen of Denial. There are times when I am Gertie the Grumpy Gobshite. Just as I have a number of alter egos - Jessica Rabbit's frumpy accountant sister, Joyce, The Running Wombat, Word Nerd, Chicken Legs, Beer Club Bitch, the booky one on the corner - lots of fun monikers can be put to me, all of them apply at certain times.
Gertie the Grumpy Gobshite is one of the least favorite of my incarnations. Gertie winds me up. She's not fun to have around. She's just incorrigible, bad tempered, though never rude, and just generally a pain it the butt to have her about. You want to slap her. Hell, I want to slap her. When I feel an attack of Gertie the Grumpy Gobshite, I tend to go to ground - find other things to do, away from people, for fear of offending.
Today is one of those days. I was in full on Gertie mode.
And the day started so promisingly. I woke. I read for an hour. I read the book I was supposed to be reading for an hour (loving "Reading Lolita in Tehran", it's for book group and for a change it's not fiction - and as unsure of how the throng will like it, I'm loving it). I got up, I had a muesli bar and a cup of coffee. I managed to do my ironing and strip my bed - all before leaving for the gym to make my 9.30 pump class.
I noticed a slight twinge in my stomach - down near where I had pain last year. Hmm. Look at the calendar. Okay, can see what that's there, not going to worry about that. Maybe Pinochet making me dead lift 45 kilos yesterday could have something to do with that too - and I make note of the fact that for the last two days I've felt like I've been coming down with a cold - but the magic green horse pills and a few early nights have appeared to keep this at bay.
Leaving for the gym a few minutes late, I scout ran the half a kilometre down the road. Scout running is when you run to a stobey pole, then walk to the next and so on - oops, we don't have stobey poles here - telegraph poles, is that better? I'm forever being berated by Jay and Emm that I turn up to Pump on Sunday at the last minute - mind you, half the time they've set up for me. Got them well trained. But scout running would get me there with a few minutes to spare. It would be good.
Arrived at the gym to find about fifty people standing about outside, looking forlorn.
Muppet receptionist had forgotten their key. No way to get into the gym. The Sunday Pump regulars were pacing, eager to get started. This wouldn't have happened if Hot Gen Why Slacker Dude was on (Also know as RILF - Receptionist I'd Like to.... stop it Gertie!) But Hot Gen Why Slacker Dude has gone to another club. Bugger.
Found Jay shouting into her iPhone. Seems she had a beef with her newsagent cancelling her Sunday papers. No sign of Emm - then again she was rather snotty when I saw her last. The class time came and went. The instructor continued to answer banal questions about what was going to happen in the class. More milling and finally one of the other receptionists turned up with a key.
Pump was only forty minutes long. No biceps, no triceps, no abs - thankfully Pinochet worked them the day before. Still felt rather put out. Was looking forward to a full pump class. Can't change what happened. Deal with it.
Went for a coffee with Jay before coming home to more cleaning, job hunting, reading and cooking. I was looking forward to a ten kilometre run with Kitt. That would get me out of my funk.
I got home. I received a text from a friend telling me about a section in the newspaper on Melbourne appartments. I snapped back an answer to thank them for the information, but one thing at a time. Get a job and get healthy now - I can't think about buying a place until I get the first one sorted anyway.
This touched a nerve. It's a really sensitive subject with me. I will buy a property when I'm ready. This will mean having a secure job and finally having got my head around the subject. Just writing this I'm in tears. A home has somebody else in it. I don't have that somebody. End of story. No further correspondence shall be entered into.
I went and had a cry for a bit, bringing myself out of the grumps knowing I was meeting Kitt at three for a run.
2 pm. Kitt texts. "Feeling like crap. Snot city here. Talk later in the week. Sorry."
Gertie breaks out in a swearing rant. This isn't directed at Kitt. She's allowed to get sick - she helps run the country, there's enough weight on her shoulders. However, unfair! Was looking forward to that run. Yes, I can go alone, but it's far more fun going with somebody, we egg each other on.
Decided to hit the treadmill at the gym instead.
Trekking back to the gym I was all ready. Do an hour of interval running. Yeah. All will be fine. Yeah. Knee is a little sore, but I'll be fine. Yeah.
Jump on the treadmill. Kerchink,kerchink, kerchink.... Great, not spending an hour on this.
Being a good gym member, went and reported the duff treadmill. The receptionist thanked me for the information and logged the errant machine in the maintenance book.
Jumped on another treadmill and dialled it up to ten kilometres an hour.
And I was walking.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Being a good gym member, I went and reported the second dudd treadmill. I was again thanked for the information.
I tried a third treadmill. Thankfully no errant noises or dreadfully slow pace - but after five minutes all I could here was the bloke next to me huffing away, some strange woman trying to walk up a mountain (set the gradient to 15% and was hanging on for dear life - weirdo. A couple on the cross trainers were conversing in loud, melodic Hindi. The grunty boys were grunting away. I could hear the grunty boys - oh no!
Where was the music?
I can't do treadmill running without annoying music to pace along to. And not music that goes on in my ears - I'm not fond of being on a treadmill with earphones in my ears - I'm that unco I'll trip over the cord - actually, I just hate having earphones over my ears, besides, my ears get sweaty and they fall out. I need my gym music - the stuff I only listen to at the gym - the All Saints and the Rhianna and Lady Ga Ga and the other crap that I hate so much that they pump out at seventy decibels to drown out the grunty boys and the huffing and swearing and the clanking of the dumbells. At least you normally have a steady beat to run to. Then I noticed, the tellies weren't on either. No David Attenborough lions to run away from either...
Sod this for a game of soldiers. I grabbed my bag, towel and water bottle, mentioned the lack of music to the recepionist, "They're looking into it, Pand. Hasn't been on all day."
Hmph. The pain in my side returned
And I returned home, stomping and tearful once again.
Once home, I had a good look at this bad mood. Why had Gertie come out? She normally doesn't hang around this long.
Okay, I don't have a job at the moment and it's starting to annoy me. It hasn't come as quickly as I thought it would, but this time off has given me so much more. The chance to lose weight, get fit, do some reading and writing, spend time with friends. It's the first time in my adult life I've had more than a month off. The job will come. I'm okay for quite a while longer financially, although the sooner I get working, the sooner I can look for a flat to call my own and replace my car.
I'm not alone, even if I feel like it some of the time. Today was a lonely day. I have them - but not often. You have to take the good with the bad. There are days when I have too many people around and I get huffy at that too.
I am safe and well. I did have he starts of a cold, which appears to have abated. I'm healthy. The pain in my knee is slowly going and feeling a hell of a lot stronger. The pain in my side will go away in a day or so. It's reminding me that I'm ovulating. It happens often. I know my body.
Really, all is as it should be. I am okay. Gertie's presence was a just a glitch. She comes out to remind me that things are really fine and as they should be. And that I have to take the good with the bad.
I just have to remember the serenity prayer. Keep saying it to myself. And have faith that I can make the changes I need to make and not sweat the small stuff.
And so to bed.
And if Gloria cancels on me tomorrow morning, she's dead!
P.s. Did a card reading when I got home. The outcome - the Hanged Man, The Magician and Temperance. Hang back, surrender and let the universe take it's course, you're healing - and you can do anything if you believe it. At least the cards are on my side.
Project Pandora - Day 14 Report
Weight lost to date - 3 kilograms
I'm settling into the 1200 calorie diet really well. The recipes the 12wbt give you are fantastic. Also making sure I'm eating every three hours - the regular 100 calorie snacks keep things in check. Exercise wise the week hasn't been as intense as it could have been, but with all the emotional stuff going on in the background (Rose's passing and the aftermath, Blarney's boys in hospital, me feeling like walking poo) I've kept up the walking and the odd class - looking forward to getting back on top of the program. I never though I'd have the energy on this what seems like a small amount of food, but I really am fine.
One epic fail - went to the cinema and managed to snaffle the wrapper of my choc top. I'd left 250 calories for my choc top. I like my ice cream, this was my weekly treat, I'd factored it in.
Not. Did you know that the average pre-packaged cinema boysenberry choc top contains a MASSIVE 432 calories and nearly forty grams of fat!
I enjoyed it. But you live and learn.