Diagnosis Day

 I'm not going to write much tonight, as my head is all over the place. 

See, today was Diagnosis Day. The day to see the psychiatrist - which is scary in itself when you've never seen one before. 

I fronted up, paid my money and was greeted by a friendly, middle-aged woman with a calm demeanour. 

We chatted for an hour. She took notes. 

And she questioned why I like the cold, have three knitting projects on the go at any one time, call myself a vampire (I like the dark - nothing about robbing energy or drinking blood) and how I am better with smaller groups. We talked about the hyperfocus and lack of a filter - something I've developed

We talked a lot. 

But I came out of it with this statement. 

"You're ADHD. There's also some autism in there, but it's not stopping you doing anything. You're empathetic, even if you don't like people at times."

I sort of wanted to say, "No shit, Sherlock." But I refrained. That cultivated filter. 

I was expecting this. 

She also said that being single and un-partnered as probably kept me from seeing her in the past. "If you'd had kids, you'd have come to see me 15 years ago." I found this an interesting statement. 

My doctor, who referred me to the shrink was surprised that I was seeking a diagnosis. She said I was one of the most in control people she had met. Did she not see what it takes to keep up this facade?

And how do I feel about this?

Umm. 

• Vindicated
• Sad
• A little bereft
• Discombobulated
• Hopeful
• Angry

And looking at this list, I see a bit of Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief coming through. 

It does feel a bit like grief. I'm grieving for the misunderstood and lonely kid, the lost teenager and the seeking twenty-something.

I've got a lot of processing to do. 

And after a cursory ECG, I'll start the meds to see if it helps with my lacking focus. 

But it's good to give my quirkiness / oddness / me-ness a formal name. 

Today's song: