Pinballing

Day Four of this ADHD journey. 

I get up. 

I have a shower. 

I make a coffee. 

And I take my meds. 

This involves slapping on some oestrogen gel, because we can't get the patches in Australia at the moment and I don't like being hot, dry, grumpy, snarly, sweaty, itchy, pissy and all the other joys that menopause brings you.

Then the blood pressure pill so my head does not explode.

Then the ADHD meds. 20 mg of Vyvance. This is the new one in the mix. It's the gateway dose. 

I made comment the other day that the latter one was strange. I can hold a conversation and not have my mind wander. I can sit here and talk and not be noticing the fifteen other things going on around me. It is SOOOOOO strange. I'm not having to fight to stay in the conversation. 

Do you have any idea how novel that is?

Four days in and I'm not doing my normal Tasmanian Devil impersonation, pinballing from one conversation to another, on task to another. There is a deliberateness to my actions. 

Last night, I was prepared to sit down and work on a knitting project, however, I found I'd only brought down one knitting needle with me. Rather than rage. Or drive into Apollo Bay on the pointless errand of finding a pair of 8mm knitting needles, I breathed in, and pivoted. One of my mates found me a crochet hook. I've made a start on a lovely scarf. 

Life feels more focused. There is not the need to bounce from job to job to job. Gone is the want to know EVERYTHING. NOW. 

The side quests are slowing and changing. 

I noticed this on the first day I took the meds. Rather than doing the dishes in three goes, they just got done. And that was it. The place is starting to look tidier, even if the floor is strewn with cat treats. 

Here, on retreat, I don't feel the need to do anything but to be with myself, by myself. I don't need to do anything more. For the first time on retreat, I didn't go to the Bathing of the Lunatics - a ritual dunking in the Southern Ocean. I love it. But not today. I sat by and tried to get the fire going - but with little kindling and damp wood, it was a fool's errand.

This just feels different. This single point of focus. Is this what "normies" have in their brain?

This is going to take some time to get used to. 

But it's all a bit amazing. 

Today's song: