Shortest Day in the Year

 Ah. It's this day again.

The problem with having a significant anniversary on a significant day is that you can't really escape it. And the shortest day of the year (Longest day if you're in the Northern Hemisphere) comes around and you know the date and it is the day that stops you in your tracks, knocks the wind out of your sails and makes you reflect. 

In the early days, the day nearly left me a sobbing mess in my bed. Other years, it's been like the heavy weight of depression laying itself over me. In recent years, it's more subtle. A nod to the day. A lingering light sadness. Today, though I feel nothing, part of me thinks I should. I tell that part of me to go away. It's okay. 

I used to anticipate the coming of the day - work myself up into a lather. Thankfully that doesn't happen any more. 

Now, it's a more gentle acknowledgement of the day. There's no overthinking it. There's no lingering sadness. But the day is thought about, compartmentalised and put back in the memory drawer with the odd socks, foreign coins and photos of people who's names I can barely remember. 

And I thank which ever deity is responsible that I've grown and changed and morphed into the person I am now and I've been allowed to forgive myself for the actions of 24 years ago. I've given myself permission to be scared, angry, sad, relieved, hopeful, content and accepting of the decision. 

Thing is, I've never regretted the decision to terminate the pregnancy. There were too many things going against everybody in the equation at the time. Besides, it 's a decision from which there is no going back - it's not something you get to regret.

And I've never dwelled on the fact I could have a child that would now be a young adult. I don't like to think about the life I may have had if I didn't have the abortion. That is scarier than thank the thought of having an adult child. 

But these are the thoughts I have on the shortest day of the year. Every year. 

And now that I've thought them, I can get on with my day. 

Because I know everything is okay. 

Today's song: