Lockdown: Day 14
Mood: Fine - Some restrictions are easing tomorrow
I woke up, and as per usual, one of the first thing I did was check my email. Normally my morning inbox has things like news feeds and some advertising with the occasional offer from a Russian Bride or two. Normally, I delete most of these emails, then maybe have a read of one of the newspapers.
Today, there was an email I wasn't expecting or wanting. The name sent shudders down my spine and immediately I felt a mixture of anxiety and anger.
The last time I was in contact with this person I made it very clear that I wanted absolutely no further communication with him.
The email wasn't unpleasant. He was after the details of Mac, a friend of mine, for a specific reason. He also made reference to the fact we parted on bad terms and that he was sorry he treated me badly and that he hurt me. He also gave a few details of where we was with this life. None of this I wanted or needed to know. It was all benign enough - regardless, I was in a bad mood for a while after.
Being a decent sort, I took a copy of the email and forwarded it Mac, with this person's email address and said that if he wanted to respond to his request it was up to him.
I replied to him with a "I have passed this on to Mac." No salutations, no aknowledgement of anything else in the mail. Just that I'd forwarded the mail on so his query might be answered.
If memory serves, the last time he contacted me, some six or seven years ago, where he was doing the atonement step for an addiction course, not unlike AA, he wrote me a long email apologising for his behaviour, that he was on this 12 Step program, yada yada yada. I seem to remember writing something along the lines of, "Email received. Please never contact me again."
So, yes, I have a visceral reaction to this bloke.
And yes, I want him nowhere near me, because he's very toxic.
But my reaction has surprised me. I've spent the day unpacking why this is so.
As most readers of this blog will know, I have dreadful taste in men. About 15 or so years ago, I was going through an internet dating phase, as you do, which is where we met. And yeah, a few weeks of seeing him, working out that he was even more screwed up than me and probably doing some damage to all around him at the same time. He really really shouldn't have been internet dating - getting some very pointed help from counsellors and psychologists would have been a better, less destructive use of his time.
Regardless, at the time, and having a saviour complex, of course I tried to take him under my wing. All I remember is that after a few weeks, and knowing that this person really could not be in my life, we parted company and I was hoping that was it. I just remember being grateful that he was no longer around. The few friends who met him picked up there was something off about him. To be honest, he was working through some horrible stuff - but this doesn't give you the right to inflict all of your pain on other people.
So, I look to me now and as to why I'm so pissed off about this email. I've boiled it down to a few things:
- He didn't respect my request to not get in contact (not that this was initiating any sort of reconciliation, but still)
- I'm horrified that I was attracting such toxic people at the time.
- That I used to have no control over my healer complex
- And that he didn't respect my boundaries.
- And as somebody who doesn't give up on people, this one had to be banished and should have been banished weeks before this happened
- And that I really don't ever want to go internet dating again - even though part of me thinks this could be a good way to meet some new people.
Today's song:
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