Friday, March 11, 2011

The Tower

Oh I wish I could take the world by the collar and give it a good shake!

It was then pointed out that we're doing the Tower in meditation tomorrow and suddenly things start to make a bit of sense. Things don't make sense in a logical way - please don't try to make too much sense of this, but in the Pandoraverse, doing the Tower meditation brings everything into alignment after a while, freshening things up. like a thunderstorm after a few muggy days.

A bit of background. Every second Saturday, I take myself off to meditation. Kabbalistic Meditiation. I'm not going to say much more than that. I'm not a kabbalist, I'm not Jewish, but this ritual of the Saturday morning meditation class is one of the most important parts of each fortnight. It sets up the next fortnight. It gives me some structure to my life. Most importantly, it provides life lessons.

The tower is about change. Quick, painful, necessary change.

Things need to be shaken up in a big way at the moment.

The Tower will do this every time. Maybe it will shake this feeling of dis-ease I've had for the last few days - or weeks - which I will only admit to if I'm feeling honest.

Things have been out of sorts since dream group on Wednesday. As I've said many times before, I can't break the confidence of the circle, but I can say that the discussion went into details of being cared for, being loved, being looked after and being supported. I left feeling a little shaky, but I got home okay. Thursday I was containing the rage, it was well controlled, but I was ready to lash out. Pinochet making me leg press 110 kgs helped get a bit of that out.

Today wasn't much better. The only thing going for me at the moment is that I've got custody of Blarney's cat Maow Maow. He and I tick along very well. He likes to sleep on my stomach while I watch telly. He helps keep me sane. I have a bit of affection in my life for a few weeks.

I digress. Dream group brought up a whole heap of stuff for me which I'm trying to work out how to fix.

This is why I go to dream group. If I'm not given this stuff to look at, how can I even start to fix it? How do I know it's there to fix?

So here I've been, sitting here in the knowledge that I've been unsupported in many ways all of my life. I've had to support myself. Hell, I've been clothing myself since I was fourteen when I got my own job. I've never had anybody to rely on. I don't go places with people. I've never been taken away, even for a weekend. I've paid my own bills, my own rent, my own utilities etc for as long as I remember. I don't comprehend the fact that most people have others in their lives to help pick up the pieces, take the slack, sort them out. I really don't get the fact that I have friends out there who don't work because their partner brings in the money. My poor little pea brain just doesn't get that at all.

Exacerbating this, here I am looking for work, with not much joy. Still waiting on a definitive answer on the Hobart job. The market is really strange to say the least. I know I'm fine for a while, but I'd rather be back earning and saving once more. It is very unsettling for me. I'm using the fallback plan at the moment.

The thing is, I know the Tower is great. It's nothing to be scared of - and yes, things can be uncomfortable with it, but it's quick change - not the slow, annoying, deliberate change that you get with other change cards, like Death, or the six of swords.

You look at the card, a large tower is being hit by lightning. Two people, one in red, one in blue, are falling to the earth. The Tower is built on solid foundations. There are twenty two yods (the little yellow dingles) falling from the Tower. The dingles are inspiration and hope. The crown that was on the top of the tower is blown away, signifying the release of thoughts and the allowing in of the new.

It's also symbolic of the Tower of Babel, where man built a tower so high, thinking they were so smart, all speaking the same language. It was a world where everybody could communicate with each other. God, angered by man's pride and audacity struck down the tower and removed the one common language between man. Once the tower fell, man could no longer easily communicate - and the languages of the world came about.

We often forget that the tower is a card of communication. Communicating freely between the intellect and the emotions.

Ah, I'm letting you into Pandora the Tarot Reader's domain.

Personally, I'm rather fond of the Tower card in the Witches Tarot deck. There are lots of tarot decks - I ahve about thirty tucked away in my wardrobe. They're all different - but this Tower, in this deck, is special.

Set on the sphere of the unconsious, the tower is exploding outwards, the sphere of the self at the top, ready to embrace the change, like a cocoon finally breaking to allow the butterfly out. I really do like this interpretation better than the normal "rug pulled from under your feet" interpretation. The Tower is never gentle, but you can see the good in it.

I do like the butterfly analogy though. I've been feeling a bit like that lately. Bits of me have been emerging. I've got cheekbones and collarbones again. Other parts of me are starting to show. The tenatious, courageous side that doesn't get seen often is out in full force. The athlete that has been buried away is now there for the showing. Most amazingly, for the first time in my life, I'm beginning to have confidence in my looks. I never thought I could say that. My body is starting to match my ankles (the skinniest bit of me). This is all good.

Maybe this tower is representative of me.

I just worry what else the Tower could impact.With all the earthquakes and other natural disasters going on at the moment, you have to wonder...

A group of people, meditation on the tarot card of the tower and the hebrew letter Peh can't effect world events. Can they?

My thoughts go out to Japan at this time. Christchurch was dreadful enough. This is a disaster of near apocalyptic proportions.
Project Pandora report Day 19
Losses to date on the plan - 3.1 kgs  Weight lost this year: 9.5kgs
Had my first "bad" day today since being on the program. I've been fervent with the calories until today. Thing is, since when is a blowout half a fresh pineapple, a chupa chup and a wrap with some hummus? Seriously, I'm not fretting. Planning a lot of exercise this weekend, I had a necessary rest day today from the exercise. It is okay. It's not like I've done what I've done in the past - McDonalds, a visit to the bread shop on the way down Victoria Street, a large block of chocolate.
It appears my eating habits are changing for the better.
Back on the horse tomorrow.
Eleven weeks Takeaway free.
In the scheme of things - this is not a disaster.


white nectarine said...

I too am feeling the rumblings of dis-ease, and uncertainty. I hope that my tower falls soon, since I am feeling distinctly uncomfortable at the moment. Well done on Project Pandora - you're doing brilliantly xx

The Elephant's Child said...

Love your honest musing; applaud your sucess with project pandora.

Kath Lockett said...

You have a right to feel frustrated because you ARE doing everything right. You are supporting yourself, working hard, keeping fit, being good and staying open to ideas (meditation, dream group and your own self reflection).

As someone who does have a partner who earns the lion's share of the household income however, I don't want you to think we have it easy. Because of my own battles with depression I've spent years struggling with how to contribute towards my family emotionally and financially. It's still hard work but all worth it.

I love reading your blog and know that your 'time' is coming.

Pandora Behr said...

@ Kath - I so realise that people with partners don't have it easy either. It will come, and come soon. Just have to keep reminding myself that all is exactly as it is supposed to be - and here's hoping Project Pandora keeps going just as well..; Your support is sooooo welcome.