Thursday, April 7, 2011

Does my bum look big in this?

Project Pandora Update - Day 44

Current Weight - 85.3 kgs

A couple of people in my support network have brought this up recently. Friends and family have come out and said that they look too thin / a bit sick / they're going overboard.

One of the joyous paradoxes of losing weight is that for all the internal struggles, the public meltdowns, the trials, the sweat, the screaming at your PT that you're not doing effing burpees, the having to say "no" to things you really want to say yes too (ICE CREAM...), the self-sabotage - this is one of the most public private journeys you will ever embark upon.

Sometimes, having your transformation out there will be a great thing. Other times it sucks worse than your grandfather's grungy undies hanging on your very public clothesline for the whole world to see and comment upon. Depending how you are feeling, the direction of the wind, the aspect of Venus and what the NASDAQ is doing, you'll never know how you're going to react to this public outpouring of comments and criticism at any given time.

Thankfully, in my case and for the girls I'm doing this 12wbt thing with, it's been a really positive thing for the most part. We can all see the changes - and it's wonderful.

Other times, things get a big freaky when either you know you might feel like your sabbotaging yourself, or you know you can't stick to the plan.

For me, case in point, I'm going out to dinner on Saturday with some friends. Alice will bring a starter, Pete and Gioia will provide mains and I'll bring dessert. Thing is, controlling the calories for this meal will be next to impossible. Pete's a great cook but is heavy handed on the butter, cream and cheese. Alice is not as bad, but she makes yummy stuff too which I would normally have to say no to.

I think this will be a case of ask for smaller portions and suck it up - it's just one night. I'm making a cake - Pete's birthday cake - for pudding. It's a full fat, chocolate, cream and walnut filled, butter encrusted Gabriel Gate classic. I'm sitting here scowling. It just needs to be done. As it's a birthday cake it will have smarties on top because birthday cakes need smarties. That's the rules.

I'll have a sliver - with some vanilla ice cream thrown in for good measure. And plan a few extra exercise sessions around this indulgent evening.

Then you get the comments that throw you for six and you think "What the hell?"

Case in point. After dream group I stayed to have a quick chat to Viv. We got talking. I need to preface this with the fact that these comments were made with love and admiration and absolutely no offence was taken. If only all comments could come with these emotions attached.

Viv paid me a lovely compliment - I was looking lovely. Thinking, I'm just in jeans and a t-shirt - I'm happy and comfortable. I said thank you.

She then asked me not to lose any more weight off my legs and bum. Nope, that was not on.

Hmm. How am I supposed to make that happen?

I'm sitting here in size 16 jeans - which are comfortable, not too snug and with no apparent camel toe (or moose claw as some know it). My t-shirt - also a size 16 is baggy and I've made a mental note that this one is a good ebay proposition. I'm holding off buying clothes until I have secured a job and maybe lost one or two more kilos - so that snug size 14s can be shrunk into - makes sense to me.

"Pandora, you have no hips or bum, and your legs are too skinny." I had to smile.

"Sorry Viv, can't do much about it. I'm a clone of my mother, who at seventy, still has the second best set of pins I've ever seen. The first best set goes to my eighty-two year old aunt - my Mum's sister. It's genetic."

The women of my family are chook-legged, arseless, hipless wonders (with bellies and big tits). There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. (I'm also thankful I missed out on the tree trunk legs of my father's side)

"How much further do you want to go?" She asked.
"About 15-20 kilos."
"Won't that be too much?"
"I'm still technically classed as medically obese. I know that it's not the be all and end all, but I'd like to have a flat tummy. I won't know until I lose it where how far actually is." was my response.
"Oh - but if you go that far, you won't have a bum to speak of!"

How do you win? Should I be celebrating because I don't have a bum? Or should I be berating myself for not having one.

I shouldn't moan - at least I don't have to ask if my arse looks like the back of a barn. So I don't have any "junk in the trunk" - so be it. Can't do anything about body shape.

I'm also very thankful for the love and support of my friends - I'm just highlighting the irony. Others in my support group have not been so lucky. The taunts have been thoughtless and cruel.

Exercise wise, I'm getting back into walking. The bronchitis knocked me around once again, but rather than go back too soon, an hour of gentle walking today and yesterday have taken away some of the collywobbles. I'll go to Pump at lunchtime tomorrow and be back into it on Saturday with Pinochet. Missing the hard core exercise is one thing I can't be hard on myself for. I've been sick. I haven't been able to breathe properly. Getting better has been my priority. Thankfully, this is something I have full and clear perspective on.

Looking at all of this, I'm realising that there's been a hell of a lot more gained than just dropping a few kilos.


CUTESIZE12 said...

OH Pand... I am soo glad u posted this..... this is soo my week.... sometimes the comments of others even though not intentional lead us to yet another state of confusion... what with all the hipe to be a specific number health well as the mental side of trying to get to this number because YOU want to .... only to have the critics of the world..... (and usually coming from those we love) throw a even bigger spanner in the works with comments like these and go and confuse us even more ......arhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... oh the joys of weight loss .lol xxx

The Elephant's Child said...

Do what is right for you. And only you, and I think the dinner in moderation sound wonderful.

kell65 said...

Hey Pand!! This is SO true and I have probably blogged somewhere about females and how much this journey has taught me about them!! If it were not something physical then it would be something mental! I had someone tell me they were jealous of how much self-control I had and therefore they could not be happy for me with my weight loss... !! LOL. Gotta love females!
There will always be something. Just recently I had someone tell me I should buy bigger pants, when I asked them why they just laughed. Now, WHY would someone do that?? Sure, I have a saggy butt (from loose skin from the odd 50kg I have lost)... BUT WHO CARES!! I am no longer carrying that 50kg!!!!! Seriously?? Some people should focus more on being encouraging rather than pick on all the flaws!! I am jealous of your legs and arse!! Give me pins anyday !! You ROCK!! (And I think you will be HOTNESS when you finish -- nothing less).

River said...

Re the birthday dinner, I say forget about the ingredients and just enjoy the meal. Of course choose smaller portions if you must, but don't get stressed over it. It's not like you'll be eating like that for a week; it's one yummy meal.
Congratulations on the weight loss so far.

Pandora Behr said...

Chelle and Kell, I have added, and rightly so, my mates comments were given in love and admiration - and not seen in as a taunt in any way. And I know others aren't so lucky. It's just the irony - and we all know this.

EC and River - you have hit the nail on the head - enjoy - in moderation.

Kath Lockett said...

"As it's a birthday cake it will have smarties on top because birthday cakes need smarties. That's the rules." YES!

Oh and if you don't have an arse, it won't get smaller - it's just a 'back with a crack at the bottom' as a fellow flat-arsed friend once told me.

Whereas I, on the other hand, have an arse that's so rounded that dwarves have occasionally sought shelter under it on rainy days.....

Jackie K said...

This is a milestone, when those comments start! So that's great!
You're looking fantastic bum or no bum, keep it up.

laughjohnlaugh said...

Enjoy yourself - its later than you think - and here is my resolve on the question - "Does my Bum look big in this?