Yes, your Mum has left you with me for a few days. I know she did this about six weeks ago and you decided that it would be great to hide under the couch for those couple of days. That you were eating and using your poo-box back then meant that things couldn't have been that bad back then. You were a model house guest in may ways.
This visit has been a bit different.
Part of me likes the cat that hid under the couch a bit better.
Maybe, if you come and stay again, we can set down some ground rules - not that you seem to want to obey rules. We have had a few chats already.
If you come and stay again - and I'm sure you probably will (your Mum does travel a bit), how about this:
1) Waking me up at 2.30 am really isn't on. Please refrain from patting my face at this time. Six am is fine to wake me. You might even get fed...
2) How is it you stay off the kitchen bench at all times except when there is chicken cooling on there? How is it that you didn't look guilty when I caught you with stolen chicken on the floor? Hey? That's naughty. (But cute)
3) Do you really have to drink out of the shower recess after I've had a shower? Heaven knows what chemicals you might be ingesting.
4) The computer keyboard is not your special couch.
5) I only bag lollies for book group once a year. How is it you lost the three jaffas I pitched in your direction under the couch - then came begging for more? Can you play with just the one jaffa?
6) The couch is not a scratching post.
7) Neither are my toes at 6 am.
8) Half of me apologises for my drunk neighbour mugging you senseless on Friday night - the other half calls it minor revenge. She thinks you're awesome. At least she's a happy drunk (back from a Christmas party - excusable) She even cleaned out your poo box while I was away for the weekend. Hopefully you were nice to her when I was away. (Reciprocal cat arrangements - I look after her old boy when they are out of town)
9) If I sit on the couch, you are welcome to join me, but please don't look as if I am the worst person in the world when I move.
10) Your tennis ball and your teddy don't live in the hallway where I can trip over them. Can you please keep them in the lounge.
11) If you are going to sit on my desk, don't look indignant and hurt when you fall off when you sit on paper that is on the edge and then slips off. And don't get stroppy when I laugh at you for falling off. You're a cat. you land on your feet.
Do you think you might be able to stick to these rules?
What was that?
Well of course. You are a cat.
As much as I want to stop taking antihistamines, and I want to get out the hoover and clean up the tumbleweed sized fur deposits you've left all around the flat, and as much as I want to change my bedding as it feels like I'm sleeping on a mattress of cat hair which gets up my nose (and my nice white Sheridan sheets are now grey with your fluff) you are very welcome to come back again.
Just have a think about the rules...
Lots of love,
Your temporary guardian,