Forgiveness

Who knew that a simple post about where you lived when you were at university could be so triggering - though not triggering in that bad way where you want to curl up in the foetal position and sob. More you get reflective and ponder the what was and what is. 

I spent three years at one of the University Colleges in Adelaide during my undergrad years, and in the words of Dickens, these were the best of times and the worst of times. 

College life appealed to my ratbag nature - and I'm the first to admit to this. I will always be a ratbag. I'm always up for a bit of light-hearted trouble, even now (such as visiting the gin distillery every day over the weekend for a hot mulled gin - because it's open)

But it was also one of the hardest, loneliest and most gut-wrenching times of my life. 

See, I've never fitted in. Never have, never will. But where I like to celebrate my introversion and eccentricities now, back in the eighties, it was a much harder thing to do. Throw on top of this alcohol, academia and peer groups and you had a recipe for disaster. Somehow, I struggled through. Thankfully, I made some friends who helped hold me together, friends who are still around me to this day. 

It was a trial by fire - and coming out of it, I know there was a sense of not knowing what was going on. But this was the late eighties. Self-awareness wasn't a big thing back then. 

A lot has been made recently about what goes on at University Colleges, The Red Report flagging the horrors that can go down at these places. I'm thankful that the college I was at wasn't mentioned in the report. I'll also admit that I think the college had a better culture in that it did feel fairly safe, even if you were somebody that didn't fit in. Although it probably did happen, I didn't experience the bullying and ostracism related in the report. It was also the late eighties - it was a more innocent time. There also wasn't social media, thank goodness. 

I've had a number of conversations with friends over the years about college life. Most of us have mixed memories of the place, embracing the friendships we made over the years and putting a lot of it down to experiences, both valuable and invaluable.

I think what makes me most uncomfortable is remembering who I was back then. 

And I don't know if I like what I find. 

Actually, that's a bit harsh. There are some behaviours that I really don't like looking at. Some of it can be put down to peer pressure, boredom or just being completely clueless. 

But there are other times where I look back with fondness, and this is great too. I know when I meet up with some of my friends from the time, we look back with fond memories. I remember having one friend over for Christmas, watching her sit  in the kitchen questioning everything Mum was doing. She was Malaysian. It was her first Australian Christmas. Another Christmas was spent with Geetangeli. A long story short, her Aunt's prayer room has had a huge part on how I view religion and spirituality. I had the opportunity to meet up with her Aunt a few years ago, and I got to thank her personally for the affect she and her family have had on my life. 

But I look back to who I was back then. Absolutely no idea who I was. On the verge of clinical depression. No idea what it was to have friend, make them or keep them. Somebody who hated herself for all sorts of reasons. Somebody who was very unhappy. 

I've chosen to forgive that poor, clueless girl. I know, in therapy, I've was forced to go back and befriend her over the years, spend time with her, get to find out who she was - and then in turn love and appreciate her. 

It's been a long, slow path to finding out who this poor soul was. She deserves forgiveness, as hard as it seems. It's helped her grow into somebody far more compassionate, caring, honest  and open person. 

I still wonder what she would have been like if she could had seen more of this earlier on. 

Today's Song:

Today's Cards:

Enchanted Map Cards: Listening

Archetype Cards: The Rescuer

Cards Against Humanity: When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of GOD (Topical... hmm)