Wednesday, September 16, 2015

RU OK? Day 6 - And the World Closes In

Am I okay? Yes.

Has there been a glitch or two on they way? Yes.

Last night was book group. I love my book group. I'd better love my book group - I've been the book group's administrator for nearly a decade. By administrator, I  mean it's my job to book the restaurant and remind everybody what book is up for the month and bag the lollies for the book choosing meeting in December.

Anyway, book group came. Full house for a change, so a table of ten. Jonella brought her mum, Josephine, with her. Josephine is over from South Africa for a few weeks and we always welcome her along. She even reads the book and contributes, which is fantastic.

It was a good book group. The book wasn't great, but the conversation about the book was very good. We were given a long table in a quiet part of the restaurant. I was in one of the middle seats. Two people on one side of me, two on the other, noise all around.

What people don't tell you about depression is that you can be hypersensitive to things. My biggest trigger is noise. So there are four noisy women on one side and five noisy women on the other.

After an hour, after dinner, I could feel myself closing in on myself. Being stuck in the middle there was little I could do. Part of me just wanted to go home, go to bed and be in silence for a while. The other part of me wanted to stay and listen the the conversation. Getting a word in edgewise can be hard at book group. Splinter conversations start. What starts as a mumble turns into a cacophony.

I also received a bit of news during the night. My niece and sister fly to Brisbane for my niece's stem cell transplant treatment on Sunday. As my sister hadn't put the news on her webpage, it was not for me to tell anybody. That was playing on my mind too. I've since had a good chat to my sister, got the heads up and she's let her group know.

By the end of the night, I was frazzled. I could feel the mood slipping as the minutes passed.

Thankfully, Teddy drove, Jonella, Josephine and myself home soon after.

Got home, talked to a friend in England for an hour and a half and went to bed. The television did not go on. No extraneous noise for me last night. It was a little bit flabbergasting trying to explain that happiness doesn't pull you out of a depression spiral. It helps, but there is more to it. He's thankfully never had to deal with this stuff (or consciously called it depression when he has) and being a bloke, he's got this think about either ignoring or trying to fix things. He does sit and listen and try to understand, This is a good thing.

It was just bizarre how the noise effected me. I was around people I love doing something I love. By 8.30 pm I was ready to either walk out or murder.

It's all good now. This morning I met up with Cleo for a training session - she let me kick her (well kick a padded bag that she's holding ). That felt good.

Lots of water. Good.

Lunch from the expensive, virtuous hippy joint across the road from work - macrobiotic, vegan, organic salad of zucchini spaghetti and brown rice base. Can't get more healthful than that. Or virtuous. It's enough to make you want to grow your armpit hair and take up yoga.

All's evened out. I'm back where I was before book group yesterday.

But I'm looking at the madness of going to the football on Friday night. The Crows play the Hawks. It will be noisy. But it has to be done. Just have to psych myself up for it. And learn the club song properly, just in case.

I'm picking up more quickly too. This is a good thing.


For what is silence?
The absence of vibrations
Smashing at your soul.

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