A visit from the black puppy

The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. 

So, hands up, at present, I'm being visited by the black dog. 

I'm not concentrating. I have little energy. I don't want to do anything. I'm quite happy to sit and stew in my own muck. 

But I'm also looking after myself, and being good to myself. The cat is being fed, cossetted and tended to. I'm showering twice a day. My teeth are being cleaned. The bills are being paid. I'm functioning as an adult. 

But I'm not writing. I can't face my novel. And I want to hide. 

If you were to talk to me, you'd not know that anything was wrong. I might come across as as touch subdued. But after 30 years of dealing with depression, I'm good at covering it. 

I'm also good at managing it and digging myself out of the place I find myself in. 

And I've caught this early. 

The black dog is more a black Labrador puppy nuzzling at my heels. It's not a rabid Rottweiler going for my throat. It's still annoying. 

So I called my one up this morning to let him know. He's great about this. He told me to keep talking. Keep being good to myself. Breathe. Do what I need to do. And let myself off the hook for not being productive. 

I then had lunch with Pete the Engineer - and we talked about it too. 

Pand: You know, I think a lot of this has been brought on by coming out of lockdown. 

Pete: I get that. Lockdown has been great for introverts like us.

Pand: It has. Then yesterday, I was out for breakfast, lunch then masons in the evening.

Pete: How did you cope?

Pand: By 10 pm last night I was ready to either throttle somebody or run away screaming. I gave my apologies and left quickly, removed myself from people. That helped. I don't like people that much. 

Pete: I know - neither do I. But what are you going to do now?

Pand: Look after myself. Keep talking. Keep exercising. Eat well (said while I was taking a bite of jerk chicken and salad - healthy and yummy). Get rest. Keep my alcohol to a minimum. Recognise if it gets worse, seek some counselling. 

Pete: You're going to be fine. 

Pand: Yes. This shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

And I will be fine. 

I know what's brought all of this on. It's a big mix of things:

• The end of lockdown
• Christmas stress 
• The feeling of failure around not getting more of the novel done
• The necessary end of a relationship
• The desire to do more balanced with what can be done in a couple of areas of my life
• Feeling a little underemployed

Some things I can do something about. Others I can't. 

It's a matter of knowing the difference between what you can change and what you can't and getting on with it. 

I've booked a retreat with the Gunnas crew in February. Weekend away down the Great Ocean Road with Catherine Deveny and the Gunnas. I have something to look forward to. 

But I'm okay. 

It helps to articulate this. 

Thanks for listening. It's helped. 

Today's Song: